Another Saturday Night
It’s getting dark and I haven’t even started studying for my regular Monday exams. I’ve lost it; the drive to study, the passion for learning. Who would have thought that an exam, a failing letter grade (maybe several) could take it from me? I used to love the idea of being a doctor. I used to be fascinated by the facts and figures of the human body; how a small hormone could do so much damage, how a simple smile involved so much. Where has that gone? Now, I’m feeling tired, unmotivated and maybe more than anything, a little scared. No, a lot scared. How can you entrust me with a life? I’ve been forced to learn everything about health in matter of 4 years. I learned about the heart; a complicated organ that basically pumps blood to the whole body in 2 weeks. The lungs, another 2 weeks, the digestive system, a month, kidneys, a week, and so on. How is that enough to know everything there is to know about a human body? It’s not only the time constraint, it’s me. It’s me not doing well enough. I feel like I haven’t learned much. I feel like I’m not prepared. Halfway through medschool and I’m nowhere near being prepared. One more year of classroom lectures and they send us to hospitals. I’m scared. I’m struggling, drowning in the system that tells us we’re different but then it still boils down to having that piece of paper certifying you as a doctor. A piece of paper that says you’ve followed through with all the requirements so now you can start prodding and poking people. I know of classmates who are excelling and yet I can never imagine them with that white coat. I wouldn’t want them to have it. And I know of people who were forced to leave, who had to stop but they were the most empathetic and caring people I knew. Why is it that their desire to help, their will to learn didn’t push through? Did they feel what I’m feeling now; a bleak uneasiness of the future. I used to think that no matter how difficult the path, if it’s something you love, you will prevail. I guess I’m just frustrated and tired and scared because the ground I’m walking on has just crumbled.